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Showing posts with label Exhausted. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Exhausted. Show all posts

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Construction: Weeks 18-22 (Including move-in!!!!)

Well, this is a much-delayed post.

My cabin got finished (YAAAAY!) and I moved in (YAAAAAAY!) in mid-February (YAAAAAAAY!)

I moved in the midst of an extremely large and demanding work project, which meant that my first several weeks in my home felt like camping. There was no time to get things organized and properly placed (tasks that are not my forte at the best of times and therefore would have consumed a lot of resources that I did not have available) and there was certainly no time for blog posts. But I have hot and cold running water, electricity and Internet, a bar fridge, an induction hot plate, a mattress and my awesome desk and kneeling chair and so I was good to go.

The last weeks of construction and first few weeks of living in my home felt surprisingly fragile to me. The pieces left to do in the last stages were very small, but they felt more overwhelming than many of the bigger elements that had been tackled toward the beginning of the process. I don't know if it was because I was tired, or had less time free from desk work, or felt daunted by the enormity of the transition facing me, or because of my erratic hormones and mood swings (most likely a combination of all of those things), but I felt delicate and teary.

Fortunately, I was able to feel the feelings and do the work and make it into the cabin. I love it and feel very contented and peaceful there. Which is not to say that I don't get tired and cranky and stressed or anything like that, but I feel like I have the space I need to be myself and feel safe in that, and that is an awesome feeling.

Having the floors stained and polished was a gift from my Mom. The floors are one of my favourite things about my house – handsome and easy to clean.

The amazing contractor who stained and polished my floors added a lovely rectangle at each door at my request. I don't know why, but for some reason, these boxes remind me of the department stores I went to as a child: Eaton's and Simpson's. I don't know why that should feel like a good and comforting thing, but it does.

And these beautiful stripes in my bathroom/mechanical room. 

One of my tasks was to sand and stain the material for the wood trim. I should have done it as soon as the trim material arrived, but I didn't and ended up having to rush it at the last minute before the carpentry crew came back in to install it.  

Painting the bathroom door

Forsythia: a gift of spring from a dear friend.

Getting so close! The trim and kitchen cabinetry got installed and only the electrical and plumbing finishing remained.


The bathroom door got hung with awesome hardware made by the blacksmiths at Ross Farm Museum. 
The back of the bathroom door – distressed.
The toilet and shower got installed. The tiling and the bathroom sink are going to have to wait until more money, time and energy are available. The water runs. Some of it is hot. This is more than good enough. (And yes, I do have a shower curtain now, I just don't have a photo of it on hand.) 



Everything including the kitchen sink! Complete with running water.

And the shelving unit on the reverse of the kitchen counter/shelves which serves my office space. Complete with an electrical outlet that was pretty awkward to install. My electricians had to do some super problem solving. They were very gracious about it. 
Move-in day! While I did spend a few nights at my house during the transition, it wasn't really home until Salinger moved in on February 15th. Here he is, settling in for his first night. It didn't take him long at all to adjust; he also seems to love our little home.
I had plenty more help during this transition. Help painting, help moving, listening ears and leaning shoulders.

On the day of my occupancy permit inspection, one of my tender-hearted friends helped me move some furniture from my tiny house and shed into the new cabin. We talked and cried and jumped up and down together. I could have hugged the building inspector when she okayed everything – no, wait, I DID hug her (with her permission). There were no snags and I felt again my deep gratitude to all of the dedicated and professional contractors who built my home as if it were there own, with care, precision and kindness. And I was grateful for the more-or-less successful job I had done impersonating a general contractor – I had acquired and supplied all of the necessary paperwork, we had ticked all of the necessary boxes and done everything we were supposed to do.

The cabin is lovely to live in. It is warm. It is bright. It is airy. It is beautiful. It is simple. Everything works.

There are many finishing touches that need to be added. Now that my very hectic work schedule has slowed up, I need to move in properly. I need to move some pantry shelving and book shelves from my tiny home into the cabin. I need to figure out where things are going to go. I need to find the bag of hardware that will let me put my bed frame together. I need to apply linseed oil and varathane to my kitchen/office cabinets and a few coats of varathane on the window sills, too. I need to set up my turntable and move my records in. I need to make myself fully at home.

Salinger: showing his appreciation for the beautiful, wide windowsills (and not so much for the view of winter outside... )
Eventually, as time and money are available, I will have the shower tiled, the bathroom sink installed, and a deck built. This summer, I will try to do as much as I can to contribute to the healing process for all of the cuts and scars on the land that were caused by the construction.

In good time, I expect that the Crooked Wood, Salinger and I will all find our stride to integrate and grow together.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Construction: Weeks 13-17


If I thought weeks 9-12 were challenging, they had nothing on weeks 13-17. 

I can't even.

Here are some photos:

My clumsily but adequately installed slab insulation skirt (adequate was the engineer's word for it) 

With added Geotextile

Obstacle course. Crude but (hopefully) effective solutions.

December 17, 2017

The gravel pile.


Keep your powder (I mean, gravel) dry.

My beautiful furnace. I can't even say how magically, deliciously warm my house is.

Covering the skirt with gravel
Mudding and taping



Hieroglyphics (I loved all the bits of random math and cryptic messages I found on the walls of my home)

Making progress.

Coming along
Storm warning morning: January 4, 2018

This is the top of a tree that fell from a height of about 40 or 50 feet, fortunately onto the bare piece of ground next to my well – where it will aid the reforestation the process. The power lines are just about 20 feet to the left. 



The thaw after the storm let me move a lot more gravel

Sunny skies after the storm

Up on staging, priming the walls

Painting in the bathroom

Fresh and clean

Dusty and paint-spattered – and satisfied and tired – at the end of a long day.
Another thaw and this is all that's left of the gravel pile – I shoveled in my T-shirt sleeves in +15 Celsius weather on January 12, 2018. 

It was too soggy to manoeuvre around the house, so I spread the gravel on the driveway, where it was just as badly needed. 
This colour was called "Unforgettable" by the paint company. Which is, let's face it, a pretty forgettable name. My friend who was helping me paint that day (Thank you!) won the renaming contest with "I'm Lichen It" (my suggestion of "Chartresque" received an honourable mention).

I had my first ever exciting interior decorating idea for the bathroom. Here is the first stage – one and a third walls painted grey...


I don't think there is any way I can put together a literal narrative of this segment of the project, so here are some (mostly short) poems which attempt to capture something of these past five ineffable weeks:

Power outages

No back-up heat
Only questions
What–?
When–?
How soon–?
How long–?
If–?

Will it–?


Storm-stayed

Forest-caught wind
Throat-caught heart

House
rock solid
in the howling
night


Wreckage

I heard the SNAP
at two in the morning

Dawn cracks on
torn and twisted
sisters 

One top dropped
from fifty feet or more
Onto the bare ground
next to my new well

The first step 
in the reforestation project


Altercation

Frustration met with anger
Anger met with fear

Straight back to the old times
the bad times
the worst times

Always with me
Even 
After 
All 
These 
Years


Shoveling

The bite of the
blade
into the big pile
of Class A

The shuddering of
each landing
against the bottom of 
the wheelbarrow

My newfound
favourite meditation

Crunch
Clang
Roll
Dump
Spread 
Sweat
Repeat


Painting

Unforgettable
London Road
Milk Mustache
Pink A Boo
Lemon Ripple

Pink A Boo
Was a mistake
I swear
I handed in the wrong card
At the paint counter


Waiting

With luck
It will be done
next week

or
at least
before Christmas

No luck

Perhaps January first
Definitely January third

Or not


Tired

You'd think
it would get easier
After learning
so much
Figuring out
so much 

The confidence
of accomplishment

Look!
It's done!
A building
Warm against the cold
Solid against the wind

But it is not done yet

More interlocking tasks
Remain
More deadlines 
Remain 
to be hit or missed
tasks to be scheduled 
and/or re-scheduled
hit and miss

And I am tired.

Physically tired:
From painting
lugging
shoveling
sanding
vacuuming
disassembling
storm-watching
losing sleep
from surprises
and adjustments

Mentally tired: 
from learning
from failing 
and succeeding
from surprises
and adjustments

Emotionally tired:
from feeling
worrying
spinning
running on empty
trying to ask for help
managing disappointments
and surprises
and adjustments

I have sometimes thought that 
surprises
are the most delightful thing
about having a human brain
And I still think that
sometimes
But I have learned that
surprises are more fun for me
when I am playing tennis
than they are when I am 
trying to build a place to live

In real-life terms
surprises can be
exhausting

And so
instead of feeling
like this is getting easier
I'm battling fatigue
and an overwhelming desire 
for this to be over
done
complete

I promise myself that
I will 
NOT DO 
ANYTHING ELSE
to this place for several years
at least
except for gardening

And maybe 
just a little
recreational
gravel-shoveling

Friday, January 23, 2015

Depression Part 4: Waking Up Tired

A couple of months ago, I thought I was through with being depressed. I was taking good care of myself and feeling brighter.

Sadly, it is not that easy. The holidays are usually an unpleasant time for me, so I was not too surprised that I got a little down in December. But things usually improve for me after Janaury 1st. Not this year though. This January has been atypically rough.

I'm still taking good care of myself. I've been doing a food experiment (which I'll probably write about when it's complete) which has meant no wheat, corn, soy, dairy or alcohol and limited sugar. This means that I have been eating lots of healthy, unprocessed food. And I've been doing yoga almost daily and loving it.

Weepy and Sleepy


And, I'm still depressed. Weepy and sleepy, I would describe myself. I long to go to bed each day. I've been packing in the day by 8pm, sleeping for 10 hours and not wanting to get out of bed when I do wake up. Even though I'm getting more sleep that I usually get, ever, I've been waking up tired.  Some mornings, I would even say exhausted. And my mood is low. Very low. Extremely low. A mix of hopelessness, disappointment and diffuse rage.

That is absolutely not like me. I'm a morning person. To the extreme. I usually travel from zero to sixty in zero seconds flat. I wake up in fifth gear, raring to go. Bright and cheerful, a regular Little Merry Sunshine.

Disconnection


The funny thing is that my rational mind is mostly okay. I know that things are just fine in my life. I have food, shelter, loving friends and family, enjoyable work, interesting artistic projects.

Before now, I've heard and read many accounts of the disconnect between one's rational thoughts and one's mood that can happen during a major depression, but this is really the first time I have experienced it.

I see the difficulty that I might be facing in getting out of this place. If my rational mind is disconnected from my emotional state, how do I reason and talk myself out of here?

What now?


I have some hope that my upcoming busy work season will help lift me out of this state. That the endorphins inspired by pleasurable work will jumpstart my system. And I have some other things I'm planning to try – focused around managing my peri-menopausal hormonal fluctuations, which I'm sure are contributing to my depressive symptoms.

The things I'm doing and planning to do might help and they might not. 

I've set a deadline for myself. If the things I'm trying haven't made a significant difference by April 30, I step the interventions up a notch.

Wish me luck, please.