Sexism #3: Protagonism

Is that even a word?

Yes, it is.

protagonism:  the state, character, or activity of a protagonist.

What does this have to do with sexism and feminism?

 

Where we ("Western culture") are coming from

One of the fundamental beliefs of any patriarchal culture is that men are protagonists and women are auxiliary. In other words, men have lives and women (if they're lucky) have men who have lives. This used to be far more pronounced in Western culture than it is today. There were powerful stereotypes of women keeping homes for men and providing them with a safe and comfortable base while the men went out into the world and did things. And then came home to women who were there for them.

It sounds like a pretty sweet deal for the men, in my opinion. Granted, I'm sure there are some who would say that it was a sweet deal for the women, too, that women were "taken care of" under this system . 

This way of arranging things paired responsibility with power. Men were responsible for the people in their family/community, therefore, they had the power and called the shots. Women were not responsible and they did not have the power – they did what they were told or expected to do.

 

A Culture in Transition

Surely this is not what it's like anymore, right? I mean, feminism won, didn't it? And we're all equal now?

And yet, these unequal perceptions around who is a protagonist and who is not linger. They are obvious in our media, our politics, in the prevalence of rape and sexual violence and also in the day-to-day exchanges of many average and ordinary intimate relationships.

My personal experience

I'm a woman who grew up in the era of Free to Be... You and Me. This means that while I saw sexism all around me, I was simultaneously being indoctrinated in the belief that I could be anything I wanted to be. That I was "just as good as any man". I was taught to think of myself as a protagonist. I did not go to university to get my M.r.s. as many girls still joked back in 1990 (and perhaps still joke even to this day?). I went to get my B.A., dammit and I did. 

In my life, relationships have come and gone, while my sense of agency has only continued to grow. I was having a conversation with a friend a couple of months ago and she asked me what I wouldn't give up to be in a relationship. I knew the answer right away: my autonomy and my authenticity. If I have to give up either of those things, it's not worth it. I don't mind making compromises, but if someone wants me to adopt a position in which I have less than 50% of the power and responsibility in the relationship or less that 100% of my power and responsibility for myself (my choices, my circumstances, my thoughts, feelings and behaviour) – I'd rather be alone. 

(My friend's delightful answer to the same question was: yoga – which is also in my top 10, for sure).

Seems straightforward, and yet...

On one hand, it seems strange to me that there are people don't appear to believe that every individual is the protagonist of their own life, regardless of their sex (or race, gender, sexuality, age, ability, etc.). I mean, really? Isn't it just obviously true that every person is living a life that is theirs and that is just as valid and meaningful to them as my life is to me and yours is to you? 

But on the other hand, I have experienced the insidiousness of this bias that one's right to be a protagonist is relative to one's position on the hierarchies of our culture. Granted, due to intersectionality, this can be a complicated thing to figure out between race, sex, class, sexuality, etc.

But as a white woman who has had intimate relationships with white men, I have been shocked on several occasions in the past to find myself in an intimate relationship with a man who seemed to feel entitled to tell me what I thought, how I felt or how he wanted me to live my life. In a couple of instances, before I realized what was happening, I experienced some erosion of my sense of autonomy and authenticity.
 
I must admit that until recently, I didn't grasp that this was an outcropping of sexism.  On the outside, those men seemed like they held pretty good feminist/egalitarian ideals. So, I thought it was just a circumstantial thing. Something about them and something about me had combined to result in a blurriness around my autonomy and authenticity. 

What I now realize is that that "something" is actually part of a systemic problem arising from a culture that raises people to believe that men are protagonists and women are – not.  Women are left with the role of accessory (trophy wife), object (hottie, MILF, slut, whore, etc.), help-mate, second-in-command or junior partner (I well remember hurling that last phrase at a long-time lover in the final days of our relationship). 

Women who resist the subordinate role laid out for them are often labelled as bitches, harridans, nags, harpies, ungenerous, selfish, narcissistic, difficult, ball-breakers, control freaks, pains-in-the-tuckus, domineering, and on and on. 

This does not feel right or fair to me.

Can we change this?

I can see that we have already come a long way – and that we have further still to go.

It seems to me that, as a culture and as individuals, we have some work to do to get away from the victimhood and resentment stirred up by the loss of undeserved entitlement. And there is also work to do in clearing the barriers that make it difficult for women to claim their role as protagonists in their own lives.

Fortunately, there are women and men who are interested in trying to change this facet of our culture.

To me, this kind of change feels like it happens in an interrelated spiral between individuals and the culture at large. For every individual who rethinks their position and makes an effort to change the way they behave in the world, the culture changes, while every change in the culture opens up a door for more people to rethink their position and further change the culture. 

This feels hopeful to me because I believe that individual change is always possible. It is a simple (though also demanding) process of self-examination, honesty, decision-making and practice. And while many people will not go out of their way to change an unfair system – especially if it benefits them – some will.

If you are one of these people and you're a man, you can ask yourself: "To what do I feel entitled? And why?" If your entitlement includes having women in your life organize or reorganize their lives around you and your needs, it's time to ask, "Is that fair? Why do I feel entitled to that? Can I change that about myself?" 

If you are one of these people and you're a women, you can ask yourself: "Do I feel like someone else is entitled to tell me how to live, how to think or how to feel?" If so, it's time to ask "Is that fair? Why don't I feel entitled to decide those things for myself? Can I change that about myself?"

 

I think we can spiral this thing up. Let's get to it!

*****

PS: I've recently read a couple of great blog posts on this topic that I would like to share with you.
Your Princess is in another castle

Ben Pobjie's Wonderful World Of Objects: How YOU Doin'?

And on the other side of the issue, this rant about the agony of lost entitlement might clarify things for you if you're not even sure what I'm talking about, or if you don't think this is an issue worthy of a blog post.

Sexism #2: Normalization and Demonization

I notice something that often happens when we deal with experiences and reports of sexism and sexual violence. I see it unfolding in the media, among my friends, and in my own heart and mind.

Normalization

It happened with the reports of Jiam Ghomeshi's behaviour. When that story first broke, it began with Jian himself posting a long Facebook message talking about how accusations were being levelled at him by a jilted ex-lover as a means of revenge.

I know that a number of people who saw that post felt initially sympathetic to Jian. I have to admit that when I first read it, I did not immediately disbelieve it. In my mind's eye, I imagined the long string of "jilted" women Jian had probably used like kleenex and chucked away. This seemed not unexpected to me. It seemed normal. Men, and especially famous/prominent men, seem to have a lot of leeway to behave like Sexist Jerks if they choose to (yes, I think I'll use the word "Jerk", especially in light of this charming definition of the word on the Urban Dictionary, a definition which was clearly written by a Sexist Jerk). Being a Sexist Jerk is not against the law. Nor can a person be fired for being a Sexist Jerk, as long as they don't do it in the workplace in a way that harasses a co-worker (something we have since learned that Jian is alleged to have done).

In my initial response, I can see how my own ingrained sexism tried to normalize Jian's claims about his situation. Sure, some red flags went up, I was wary of his story, but it was definitely interesting to see how much of my mind was willing to even try to normalize his behaviour and his claims about his experience. I think he was counting on that and I'm glad his media relations plan failed.

I've had an equally mixed response to recent events at the Dalhousie Dental School. This strikes close to home, because I've been a patient at the Dalhouse Dental School Clinic for the past couple of years. As a patient there, I've been given the best, most thorough dental care I've ever received (at a fraction of the usual cost). I've also learned many fascinating things about my teeth, gums and salivary glands. My first year, I was treated by a male dental student; this year, the student treating me is female. I feel that have been treated respectfully by both of my primary students and by many of the faculty, staff, students, dental assistants and hygenists I've encountered in various contexts at Dal Dental. I was shocked and appalled by the hateful, sexist comments that some of the students there posted, directed at fellow students.

That said, I've had an opportunity to witness first hand that a culture of sexism does exist in the Dal Dental Clinic. More than one of the male faculty members (who come to check the work of students at each visit) have made sexist comments to me. These comments have been on the mild end of the sexism spectrum – along the lines of "what a pretty smile". I found these comments patronising, sexist and unnecessary (sexist because they were not things that I thought those professors would say to a male patient and unnecessary because they were not things that they needed to say to accomplish the task at hand, while patronising was just in their tone), but I normalized it. I considered the age of the speakers, who were all clearly over 60, internally sighed and let it go. It was sexist, but I didn't feel menaced by it. Annoyed, yes, but it's the sort of thing that happens all the time. I.e. normal. I did not complain.

And then I found out that a professor in the dental faculty showed a video of bikini-clad women to one of his classes to "wake up" the male students. Which demonstrates to me that the sexism I had experienced in its mildest forms in the Clinic goes well beyond comments that slightly annoy me – to lengths that I believe have seriously damaged the learning environment at the school and have helped set a very bad example indeed.

Demonization

At the same time that normalization often happens, so does demonization. 

Jian Ghomeshi went from being perceived as a misunderstood kinkster and victim of a mean-spirited-lady-conspiracy to a horrifying abuser who is now facing criminal charges arising from allegations dating back over a decade.

As for the Dalhousie Dental students who made sexually violent threats toward their classmates, people are protesting, demanding their expulsion and the release of their names.

Don't get me wrong, I think that there should be serious consequences for sexual violence and threats of sexual violence. However, I don't think demonization is a helpful consequence, for a number of reasons:

1. Demonizing dehumanizes and when we dehumanize, we bring ourselves down to the level of perpetrators of sexism and sexual violence; demonization makes victims of them in the same way they dehumanized others and made them victims – this does not correct the situation, it makes it worse 
2. Stats show that most perpetrators were victims at some point in their lives; this is not an excuse, but it is context and I think it's something that it's important to remember
3. Perpetrators are no longer viewed as people who are "like us" which lessens the impetus to look at the ways in which we and the people we know engage in (usually much milder) sexist thought, speech and behaviour
4. Systemic sexism and more benign forms of sexism use the demonized targets as scapegoats so they can sidle off to carry on with business as usual, i.e. stay in the comfortable rut of entrenched, institutional sexism

The way I see it, sexism exists on a continuum. Demonization takes perpetrators off of that continuum and says: these people are monsters, scumbags, inhuman. And somehow, that makes them not our (society's) problem anymore. Milder forms of sexism remain unaddressed. Systemic sexism remains unchallenged.  

As an example of this in action, you may have noticed that although there have been several complaints reported in the media about institutional sexism among Dal Dental School faculty there has been little comment on that topic from Dalhousie University, compared with their volume of comments about the students' sexist Facebook posts.

I wrote to President Florizone and Dean Boran expressing my concerns about both the students' behaviour and my concerns about faculty (i.e. my sexist experiences as a patient at the Dal Dental Clinic and the reported sexism of faculty in classes and in clinics at the Dal Dental School). I received a letter (from an assistant in the President's office) about how the students were going into the restorative justice process, check out our FAQ, blah, blah, blah. There was no response to my comments regarding my experiences with and concerns about reported complaints about faculty. Figuring that I had been sent a boilerplate response and that no one had actually read my letter, I wrote back re-iterating my unaddressed concerns about faculty and asking what the University plans to do to combat sexism at an institutional level. I sent that second letter 22 days ago. I have not yet received a response.

They had an easy answer to the letter they hoped I would send, but they don't have an answer for my questions about their instutional contribution to the problem and what they are going to do to address it. 

What now?

The fact of the matter is that some people are continuing to learn the belief that women and men are not equal and they are not questioning what they are learning or have learned. Some people still seem to believe that women and men are not even people in the same way, that women and men have different rights and entitlements. Some men feel entitled to do things that violate the safety and well-being of women, simply because they are men and because women are women.

People learn how to behave toward one another. I'd like to be able to say that people who are sexist are simply failing to learn the rules of our society correctly. But sadly, I don't think that's true. Our society is in an ongoing transition around sexism. There are many rules available to learn. On one side of the spectrum: Everyone is equal. Everyone has the same rights. Everyone is entitled to safety, dignity and respect. And on the other end: Some people are not entitled to respect, dignity or safety. It is okay to violate other people's rights (which does not apply only from men to women but also from women to men, between people of differing races, sexual identities, abilities, etc.) – with the caveat that it will be better for you if you don't get caught.

Most of us fall somewhere in the middle of the continuum. I think of myself as a feminist and egalitarian person, but if I'm honest with myself, I hold a number of ingrained sexist beliefs. Having been raised up in this culture, it would be some kind of miracle if I did not. What can I do about it? As I become aware of my sexist beliefs,  I can challenge them and work them through to the best of my ability. That is what I can do. That is what each of us can do. Societal change happens both individually and systemically.

I think – I hope – that our society is reaching a tipping point in our transition toward equality between men and women. As disturbing as much of the recent news is, we are talking about things that used to be swept under the rug and ignored. I hope that the more we talk, the less we will normalize and the less we will demonize. I am hopeful that we are entering an ever-deeper and more authentic engagement with the work of changing the rules of our society toward the end of the spectrum that chooses equality, respect, empathy and compassion.

This series will continue.

Order or Chaos? A Personal Investigation of Muppet Theory

Over the past month, I've had more than one — hr-hrm — amorous dream about Bert or Ernie. The subconscious mind is a funny, funny thing.

After the second one of these dreams, starring Ernie, I posted about it on Facebook. Because I thought it was odd, interesting and funny and I enjoy posting odd, interesting and funny things on Facebook.

My post prompted my friend Todd (of 500 Kindnesses fame) to comment "You have an internal struggle between your inner chaos muppet and order muppet." I thought this was a pretty astute analysis, and was even more impressed when he backed his theory up with this Slate article: Are you a chaos muppet or an order muppet?

I don't think there is much doubt that my personality is dominated by chaos muppet characteristics. I like jokes (Ernie), cookies (Cookie Monster), music (Animal) and am a devoted feminist (Miss Piggy – or is she an order muppet? It's hard to tell, probably because she is both, as one of the few truly 3-dimensional muppet characters...).

If there were any doubt of my chaotic tendencies, one need only look at the way I live: 

My desk as I write this post – chaos abounds!

Yes, on the outside, chaos is definitely winning. However, I think Todd was quite right about the struggle between my INNER chaos and order muppets. It's not all so cut and dried.

I like orderly things, too. I relish sitting down to hours of digital typesetting – imposing order on messy documents — making columns of numbers line up or making translated sets of documents look comparable in very different writing systems, like Farsi, Arabic, Gujarati, Tamil, English. I love my desk work and can happily do it for hours. (Though I know being able to do it in my pyjamas is a big score for my chaos muppets).

Also on the orderly side, I long to de-clutter my life. Especially living in my tiny home this past summer, I saw how much unnecessary stuff is crowding my life. Paper, paper everywhere! Receipts to be recorded and filed for taxes, always done at the very last moment... I am getting tired of living eternally among lost and missing and unnecessary and unsorted things. I think my inner Bert is on the ascent. My Kermit, my Scooter, my Prairie Dawn.

I only hope that my chaos and order muppets will be able to find a sweet harmony — like Bert and Ernie at the end of this song:

December 6, 2014 — the 25th Anniversary of the Montreal Massacre

December 6, 1989

I was a first-year university student, living in residence at the University of Toronto when the news of the Montreal Massacre reached our house's common room. It felt very close to home. These were women very much like me who had enraged a murderous man by their decision and ability to go to university. He exorcised his wrath on them. He made them pay for his rage and frustration. Because he could. And because he felt entitled to do so.

It feels hard to believe that that was 25 years ago.

I'm sure many people are spending this anniversary assessing how much the world has changed and how much it hasn't. The past couple of years have seen an increasing dialogue about sexual violence against women. High-profile, tragic cases like those of Rehtaeh Parsons, Jyoti Singh Pandey, Steubenville, the Chibok schoolgirls abduction and the recent charges laid against Jian Ghomeshi have all brought greater attention to the issues of rape, sexual violence and inequities between men and women and girls and boys around the globe.

This is a good thing.

It's another step on our journey together.

We have a long way to go.

It isn't only the extremes of rape and sexual violence that we are fighting. It's a long enculturation of both men and women that dictates how we feel, what we do, what we say and how we treat one another.

Sexism on a continuum

To my eye, sexism exists on a continuum including (but not limited to): unexamined male privilege > sexist attitudes and jokes > insults > hate > non-lethal sexist violence > sexist policies > rape >  murder

I feel lucky that I have not directly experienced much on the violent end of the sexism spectrum. Most of the sexism I experience is on the merely emotionally demeaning end of the spectrum, ranging from cultural urgings to be skinny and spend a fortune on beauty products in order to enhance my sexual attractiveness for men to sexist jokes/comments to the folksy sexism of our local mayor (and the majority view he represents in my community):

 

 

 

 

 

Taken from the Summer 2014 issue of Municipal Matters,
the quarterly newsletter of the Municipality of the District of Lunenburg.
Nauseating to me, but clearly the editors didn't even bat an eye.
I'm sure it was considered "gallant" and "cute" rather
than patronising and sexist. And don't even get me started
on the topic of women wearing high heels in the first place.

I look in my own heart and see that I am still often afraid to stand up for my feminist principles. Me! I would like to think of myself as a fairly strong and brave person. But I know that often I am not. I  back down from things I want to say because I am afraid of being mocked, disliked, scorned, misunderstood (with the ever-present threats that sit further down the continuum: shunned? hit? raped? shot?)

It's a long journey for all of us

I'd like to think that it could be easy for everyone to simply decide to be motivated by kindness and respect for all other people, regardless of any perceived differences between us. To follow the golden rule. But I know it doesn't work like that. Humans' love of power and control is greater than our love of justice and peace. And there is so much water under the bridge that fresh starts feel impossible. Our attitudes are passed down from generation to generation and coloured by our own experiences.

I wish it were easier to shift my own thinking. I want to develop more courage to be myself and to make larger contributions. I've fought off some aspects of my enculturation, but others are more stubborn, harder to relinquish. I often take the easy route. I "go along to get along". And I often take for granted the way that my privileges of being white, university-educated and middle class insulate me from many of the harshest realities of sexism. I don't do everything I could to stand up for what I believe in or to try to make the world a better place. I get frustrated and discouraged. I have given up more times than I can count – telling myself that it doesn't matter or that it is futile.

On this anniversary, the memory of the 14 women shot at École Polytechnique calls me to do more and to do better.

I am a woman.

I believe all human beings are equal.

I am a feminist.

This post is dedicated to:

Geneviève Bergeron (born 1968), civil engineering student
Hélène Colgan (born 1966), mechanical engineering student
Nathalie Croteau (born 1966), mechanical engineering student
Barbara Daigneault (born 1967), mechanical engineering student
Anne-Marie Edward (born 1968), chemical engineering student
Maud Haviernick (born 1960), materials engineering student
Maryse Laganière (born 1964), budget clerk, finance department
Maryse Leclair (born 1966), materials engineering student
Anne-Marie Lemay (born 1967), mechanical engineering student
Sonia Pelletier (born 1961), mechanical engineering student
Michèle Richard (born 1968), materials engineering student
Annie St-Arneault (born 1966), mechanical engineering student
Annie Turcotte (born 1969), materials engineering student
Barbara Klucznik-Widajewicz (born 1958), nursing studen

Sexism and Community Building

At the AGM

I sit on the board of a community group and I participated in their AGM last week. After presentations from the Chair and elections of board members, the group was split up into three groups to brainstorm some ideas for our next steps.

I was working to facilitate one of the groups, standing at the flip chart taking notes. I made a few suggestions myself and tried to help people elaborate some of their ideas and tried to moderate some conflicting opinions, while capturing all the ideas on paper.

I was the only woman in the group and also the youngest person there – there was only one other person under 50 in a group of 8 or 9 people.

I felt that everything went quite well in the group. We elicited some good ideas, heard some interesting feedback and made some connections.

"You fail as a leader."

As the time drew to a close, our Chair stepped over to the group and asked me to wrap up. I told the group we just had about a minute left. It didn't really register with the group. The two other groups in the room were still talking and ours kept going too. A couple of minutes later, the Chair came over again and asked me to wrap up. I apologized to her that I hadn't already gotten the group to finish.

One of the men in my group said, "You fail as a leader."

"What?" I said, shocked.

"You fail as a leader," he repeated.

I froze

I didn't know what to say. The request had been to return to the main part of the room, so we all did. The meeting ended. I chatted with a few people there about some ideas for future plans. I went home and seemed fine. And then I couldn't get to sleep. I was haunted by this seemingly unprovoked hostile comment.

The aftermath

I stewed and fussed. Had I failed as a leader? Had I somehow left this man feeling unheard in the group? Or did he simply hate being in a group that was being facilitated by a woman three decades his junior?

My first reaction was one of self-righteousness and rage. Here I was putting hours of volunteer time into this worthy cause only to be shot down by some jerk who came to one meeting and felt entitled to try to undermine me. Then, I began to doubt myself, my own intentions, my own abilities. Perhaps I had failed in some way and this was this man's way of telling me that I had offended or slighted him. On the other hand, maybe he was just sexist or agist and wanted to put me in back into the place he thought I should be in.

What to do?

I spent a few hours feeling like I never wanted to volunteer or try to lead again. Then I thought, well, I could just work within my own community where there is a lot of trust and love, where I know people and am known and I don't have to deal with sexist strangers.

Then I thought about it some more and realized that that is not realistic. I care about things in my bigger community. I have opinions and energy and I want to make a difference.

And what I really want to do is learn how to un-freeze in the face of sexism – or apparent sexism. I go into shock – partly because I have never been very good at reconciling my Free to Be, You and Me 70s childhood indoctrination with how sexist the world really is. And I freeze partly because the patriarchal nature of our culture has always felt pretty crushing to me. I'm hurt by it and I instinctively try to protect myself.

How to change?

I wish now that I had asked that man what he meant and tried to find out what was behind his comment. If it was intended as a joke, I might have been able to explain to him that it was an unwelcome joke that felt demoralizing to me. If it was meant as a sexist comment, I could have told him how I felt about that. And if his comment was in response to a legitimate grievance, perhaps we could have worked that out and I might have learned something about my facilitation style and how I could have helped shape a better experience for that man.

Help!

What's your advice? Do you have any tactics for dealing with sexism that you'd like to share? Do you meet it head-on? Do you have a snappy comeback at the ready? Do you freeze and stew later, like I did? I'd love to hear your insights about how to be a better leader, volunteer, activist and feminist.

She'll make someone a wonderful wife someday...

This blog wasn't up and running in March when this particular news story happened, but I really wanted to comment on it. Better late than never...

Conservative Cabinet Minister Keith Ashfield said to a young woman that she would make a wonderful wife someday because she had baked him something delicious. 

I heard that phrase time and again when I was a kid. Every time I made a batch of cookies and one of the neighbours popped in, I'd hear it (that was 30 years ago, Minister Ashfield, just FYI).

I kind of rolled my eyes, but I also kind of liked the praise. I think it felt nice to be appreciated for being good at something when I was 12, 13, 14 and most things in life felt awkward and nasty.

But here's the kicker – years later, though still an excellent baker – it turns out I was a TERRIBLE wife. 

There was a lot of bru-ha-ha-ha stirred up by Ashfield's comment. People inferred that it meant that at least some Conservatives hold the view that women can only have traditional roles (I admit to being one of those people). It's also a heterosexist comment, which I'm sure has been pointed out and discussed.

But what I really wanted to see – and didn't – were people questioning that anyone's value in an intimate relationship rests in her (or his) good baking skills. Sure it might see you through a couple of years, "Mmmm, honey, this is good. Yum Yum!" but it's not going to be worth a damn when the chips are down.

Being a good partner rests in having good relationship skills: being able to express your feelings, listen, and have empathy for your partner's struggles. Being a good problem-solver can help and a strong and loving heart is a good foundation. It is also essential to know who you are, where you're coming from and what you want. I didn't have any of those things the first time I tried to be someone's long-term partner.

They didn't teach them in Fanny Farmer or the Good Housekeeping Cook Book. I didn't learn them as a kid growing up, either at home or at school.

I learned my relationship skills the hard way. By living, and failing, and spending years in therapy figuring things out. I wonder now if I had a false sense of security built up for me. "Honey, men don't care about nothin' but yer cookin'." "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." "You're going to make a man a good little wife someday." It's not true. You can get delicious cinnamon rolls at a bakery. What partners need from each other are honest, satisfying connections. And you can't just whip up a batch of those and pop them in the oven until they're gooey and delicious.