Night sweats and marble jars

I'm having one of those peri-menopausal nights when I can't stay asleep because I can't stay comfortable. I'm too hot! But I'm not! But I am! But I'm not!

It's the usual temperature in my bedroom, but under the covers, I'm boiling and then when I kick them off, I'm too cold. So, forget that. I'm not one for trying to sleep when I can't. I'd rather be up and doing something interesting. 

This morning, as I often am lately, I'm thinking about Dr. Brené Brown's work. I did a free e-course a couple of days ago called The Anatomy of Trust. The course centres around a talk Brené filmed for Super Soul Sundays (one of my dear friends sent me the link last month and recommended I watch it. The video forms the central part of the course; if you're interested in watching the video without doing the rest of the course, you can watch the video here). 

Dr. Brown breaks trust down into seven components that fit into the catchy acronym: BRAVING.

Boundaries

Reliability

Accountability

Vault

Integrity

Non-judgment

Generosity

Since Brené Brown's work is based deep in grounded theory research with data gathered from thousands of participants, I find it no surprise that her take on trust rings absolutely true to me. 

If I consider the relationships where I place a lot of trust, I can think of instances where each of those seven components have been enacted. And in situations where I have experienced a lack or loss of trust, this model helps me understand more clearly what happened. 

What does this have to do with a jar of marbles?

Dr. Brown talks about a "Marble Jar" that was used as a classroom management tool by one of her daughter's teachers. If behaviour was appropriate for the classroom, marbles went into the jar and if behaviour was inappropriate, marbles came out. When the jar was full, the class would have a celebration. 

The concept of marble jars strikes me as an excellent one to explain trust and human relationships. 

However, it seems to me that Dr. Brown talks about the marble jar as if the jar belongs to the individual – as if a person has one jar which various people put marbles into and take marbles out of.

I think I see it a little differently. I think each relationship (including the relationship each of us has with self) has its own (mental) marble jar. And each participant in the relationship can put marbles in (contribute to the relationship) or take marbles out (disengage from, betray or damage the relationship). This can get pretty complex, but I think it works this way – for instance for a family consisting of two parents and two kids, that a family has a jar for the whole family and there are also separate jars for each relationship within the family (Parent1– Kid1, Parent1–Kid2, Parent2– Kid1, Parent2–Kid2, Parent1–Parent2, Kid1–Kid2 and probably even Parent1–Kid1– Kid2 and Parent2–Kid1–Kid2 and then jars for each individual's relationship with self). The relationships are interconnected – some actions affect the entire family at once, others affect a sub-set or an individual.

There is a temptation here to see relationships strictly in terms of quid pro quo – you do this for me, I'll do this for you. While I think that if we are honest with ourselves, there is a transactional component to every relationship, I don't think the marble jar concept is best used to simplify things down to that level. I don't think the concept is very helpful as a scorekeeper, but I do think it is useful as a barometer. And also as a tool for communication – a way to help people visualize their perceptions around behaviour and the way it affects relationships.

If people in connection with one another view their relationship as a co-creative endeavour, ideally, each person in the relationship is interested in contributing to the jar (in ways that count for the other or others) so that the relationship feels satisfying for everyone involved. 

What counts as a marble?

I believe there is some delicate work here around understanding what each person feels is a contribution or a withdrawal. The whole "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you" idea, is actually not as useful in relationships as "Do unto others as they would have you do unto them." People are put together differently and have different boundaries and expectations. I believe great relationships are founded on a desire to learn about one another and build mutual understanding, care and acceptance.

I recently read a blog post someone posted on Facebook about how some guy's wife left him because he wouldn't put his used drinking glasses in the dishwasher. As the writer himself admits, he finally figured out, too late, that those used glasses in the sink made his wife feel unseen and disrespected. So every time he left one out, he was taking a marble out of their shared jar. While, on his side, he felt that every time she complained about those drinking glasses, she was being unreasonable, stupid and annoying and taking a marble out of their shared jar by making his life needlessly less pleasant.

Often, there is simply a failure to understand another person's marble code – one person puts a marble in, thinking they are making a contribution and the other person fails to recognize it  – or worse, sees the other person's contribution as a deficit. 

Another common dynamic is unequal contribution. If one person feels like they are putting in way more marbles than the other person, they may come to feel depleted and decide to leave the situation. It can work the other way around, too, where the person with fewer marbles to contribute leaves a relationship because they feel overwhelmed, judged or resented.

I think marble jars can get too full as well as too empty. Sometimes the weight of expectations or of obligations can be just as damaging to a relationship as disregard, disinterest or an out-and-out betrayal of trust.

Marble Jar Relationships

I have to say at this point in my life that I think I have personally experienced a vast array of relationship marble jar failure: too little investment, unequal investment, waning interest, apathy, misplaced or unrecognized marbles, plundering, jars that cracked and then broke due to over-filling, initial contributions that were later clawed back (sometimes with interest), and the classic, "I'm taking all of my marbles and going home". A few times, I've hurled a marble jar against a wall and walked away, and a few times, someone else has done that to me.

I have also had a number of marble jar successes. I have relationships (some life-long, others dating back as many as 35 and some within the past 5 years) where both people are committed to contributing marbles to the jar. There have been challenges to work through – places where we have disappointed one another in one of the 7 BRAVING trust areas, and places where we have worked things through with accountability and integrity, built or repaired trust and continued with our process of being in relationship.

Self-trust is the root of all trust

For me, one of the biggest take-aways from this idea, is the importance of self-trust. The e-course I mentioned above includes worksheets for trust in organizations, with another person and with oneself. I found the self-trust inventory enlightening. I feel pretty solid in some areas and much shakier in others. I'm going to keep that inventory on-hand for difficult moments. When I'm not sure what to do, or when I've just done something I feel ashamed of, I am encouraged by the thought that I can bring myself back to the BRAVING framework to build and/or repair self-trust.

I'm also percolating an idea about how I might be able to use an actual physical marble jar as an exercise with self-trust, but as this blog post is already pretty long, I think that will have to wait for another post.

Tiny Home/Land Report: From Overwhelmed to Confident (in about 4 hours)

I admit that I have been dragging my heels most of the summer, not doing much of anything about my land, except thinking about it. (And by thinking, what I really mean is worrying, fussing and spinning my wheels).

A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I needed to accept that I wasn't going to be anywhere near ready to over-winter in my tiny home this year. So, I began the hunt for a winter rental (and I think I've got that just about sorted, which is good).

Three days ago, I called a (known and trusted) contractor about putting in a driveway. Two days ago, he and I went to look at my land together. I explained my two or three tentative plans, we ixnayed one of the ideas but didn't see any major impediments to either of the other two. The estimate is forthcoming. The deciding factor between the two plans will be cost. Depending on how much money will need to be spent, I will decide on Plan A or Plan B and also whether I can afford to proceed this fall or if I will have to wait for the spring.

From OVERWHELMED...

After the meeting about the driveway the night before, I woke up yesterday morning feeling completely overwhelmed. I had intended to go to the municipal planning department to talk about building permits, but I just couldn't face it, even though I know I have a two-page list of questions I need to ask, trying to narrow down my options.

As I understand it, in my municipality, if I leave my house on wheels, I don't need to get a building permit to put it on the land and it doesn't have to meet code. The first building I put on the land, regardless of its size, does need a building permit and does need to meet the code, but anything after that does not, as long as it is smaller than 210 square feet.

One of the biggest decisions I face is what kind of building, if any, I want to put on my land.

Do I want to put a building on my land that is low-serviced? Basically a combo garage/firewood storage space, with on-grid electricity, but no heat or running water? Or do I want to build a small "water house" with running hot and cold water, a kitchenette, bathroom and washing machine hook-up (with either a full septic system or a greywater system and composting toilet)? Or do I want to build a full-on, rooted-to-the-earth tiny house with power, heat, running hot and cold water – everything contained in one place. Or would I rather not build anything at all and just perch on the land in my current tiny home either three seasons a year or year round (with the latter option obviously requiring a number of winterization measures).

Each of these options will entail very different things in terms of permits and cost.

And I don't know what I'm doing. I've never done this before so I'm learning at a great rate. If I'm not careful I get overwhelmed and I feel very lost and scared.

It's a big challenge for me to go slow, not get ahead of myself or try to take on too much at once.

And while I'm doing this project solo, by and for myself, it's important for me to remember that I don't have to do it alone.

Yesterday was a perfect reminder of that.

...to confident.

After my dismal, stressed-out morning yesterday, I was in town in the afternoon, running errands, when my phone rang. The call was from a couple of friends for whom I had done a substantial favour earlier in the summer. They had offered to return the favour with a day of work (meaning two person days of work – an agreement that seemed more than fair to me, especially since they are super-handy and work in the field of forest ecology, offering skills that I really need). I understood that they were having a busy summer and that our work party would need to wait until late summer, or even early fall.

When they called yesterday, my friends said they were unexpectedly free for the afternoon and since it wasn't too sweltering hot to work, was I available to come take a look at my land? I was mostly hoping for their knowledgeable advice about what trees to cut and what not to cut, but I got way more than I was hoping for! They brought a chainsaw and after four hours of work, we had cut out and cleared about half of the length of the planned driveway at a width of 16 feet!

It was an amazing transformation! My land has not been cleared or tended in any way in a long time. It is a stand of natural, mature forest – very little undergrowth, lots of standing and fallen dead wood. I find it remarkably beautiful, but what I was not prepared for is how much more beautiful it is with a swath of it cut out. The space for the driveway is now framed and canopied by trees. The trees look much taller now that one can stand back and really get a look at them.

The clearing sets off the trees to better advantage!
Look how tall and majestic they are!

And the things I learned about forest ecology were useful and fascinating. We selected the path for the driveway with an eye to preserving certain trees – favouring hardwoods (which are less common on my land) and a couple of beautiful old, super-straight tamaracks and pines. We mostly took out the small, crappy fir trees, many of which were standing dead anyway from a lack of light under the canopy of taller trees.

My friends explained how brush piles and piles of dead wood act as nourishment for existing trees and how they could be positioned to regulate water drainage on the property. And that I could transplant baby trees from the middle of the planned driveway to other spots on the property, where they will get more light – and not be decimated by the excavators.

Plus, we piled up a good start on next year's firewood!

One of several piles of firewood,
ready to be bucked up!

All in all, it was an extremely satisfying, informative, fun and uplifting afternoon!

In one short afternoon, I went from feeling stuck and stymied about my land to hopeful and heart-lifted.

It is very good to have good friends.

I am very, very grateful.

And I am strongly reminded to be open to receiving help when it's being offered.

Where once there were only trees...

PS: because our work party had been planned so spontaneously, I had to take off around 6:15 pm to keep a commitment with some friends who are visiting from out of town. My friends said they would continue cutting and clearing for another half-hour or so. When I went back today to take the pictures I had forgotten to take for this blog post, I was amazed to see how much more they had done. They must have stayed much longer than a half hour, and they cleared about the same distance again that we had cleared in the first four hours. I am amazed and humbled by their hard work, efficiency, diligence and their generosity with their work and talents. 

And I am even more grateful than I was yesterday, if that is even possible. 

Debt: Getting in and getting out

A bunch of years ago, I worked for an IT department at one of the big five Canadian banks. It was probably the worst job I have ever had and I lasted about eight months.

As soon as I got there, they explained to me about the awesome perks of staff banking – no fees and the offer of a huge, unsecured line of credit at the bank's prime interest rate. I was making more money than I had ever made before (or have ever made since) and like a fool, I accepted their offer of the giant line of credit. 

Falling in, Crawling out

I racked that line of credit up about halfway - paid it off - and then racked it right up to the hilt. The money went to tuition when I was in school in Toronto, it went to rent, taxes, emergencies, meals out, trips and all kinds of "wotthehell" moments. 

I can be quite undisciplined about money. I'm in good health, I see many working years ahead of me and I have no dependents or other pressing responsibilities. This encourages me to throw my money around - I love feeling open-handed and relaxed about money. I come by this honestly, since my family is full of people who fit the description: "last of the big-time spenders". We are generous to a fault. This is something I rather like about us. It's really fun to live that way. But when the money behind that lifestyle is borrowed money, there's a dark side.

After I quit that job at the bank, the interest started to climb. They put it up and up, and with the balance climbing as well, it all got more and more painful. Eventually, it has come to feel like the proverbial albatross. 

In over my head

I'm not going to reveal the shocking amount that I owe, but suffice it to say that I've spoken to many telephone bankers over the years who are simply amazed (and probably appalled) when they realize that my line of credit is not secured against a house or other asset.

The bank bet only on my honesty and sense of responsibility when they loaned me that money. And it was a good bet. I borrowed that money in full, adult knowledge of what I was doing and I'm committed to paying it back. I got myself in and I'm going to get myself out again.

This time for keeps. 

This year, I made a plan to reduce my debt by 5,000 bucks every year until it is gone. And to protect myself against my own profligacy, I am going to have the bank reduce the limit on my line of credit by that amount each year. Hilariously, I have to fill in paperwork to ASK the bank (perhaps BEG would be a more appropriate word) to reduce the limit. Please don't let me borrow any more money from you. PLEASE!

I wasn't sure I was going to be able to fulfill my goal this year. As usual, I've made some less-than-responsible decisions with my money lately. But, work and decreased living expenses, in combination with a surprise gift from one of my generous family members, has put me in a position to meet my goal. Tomorrow morning I have an appointment at the bank to fill in the paperwork that will relinquish five grand of borrowing power. I'm painfully aware that that could be a massive trip or a down payment on a small Nova Scotian house. However, I'm also aware that I'm paying about half that amount in interest each year for the privilege of being so far in the hole.

Here's to debt freedom, folks! Five grand at a time!

How's your household debt situation? Any plans or resolutions to get out of the hole? Feel welcome to share your thoughts in the comments.