The things I saw the day my iPhone broke

I'm on vacation.

But with the tethered nature of western digital culture, sometimes it can be a little hard to tell.

I work freelance and despite having told all of my clients that I was going to be on vacation this week, some of them have continued to have urgent loose ends needing to be tied up. So, I've still been keeping an eye on my e-mail. And I've still been doing some work in the early mornings. (I'm spending most of my holiday hanging out with some of my YEFMs – young extended family members – and fortunately, they are late risers, leaving me time for work – and blogging.)

Truth is, I find it a little hard to let go of work. I know this is one of my challenges in life. Focusing on work is seductive because it is (almost always) safe territory for me. I enjoy it. I'm good at it. And it is the source of money and often, approval and appreciation.

These are not bad things. I feel very lucky that I have work that suits me so well. But it's important to be able to let go. And sometimes I struggle with that.

The gift of broken technology

Yesterday, I was given a gift. After one of my YEFMs and I set off for an outing, my iPhone broke. The screen turned to a bunch of horizontal lines and was unresponsive. I couldn't try a soft reset because the power button has been broken for months. Basically, its built-in obsolescence just kicked in with a vengeance.

It was awesome.

Instead of panicking and heading for the nearest wireless solutions store, my YEFM and I continued with our planned itinerary. First we went to the magic phone box at Luckett Vineyards to call my YEFM's mom. After a brief chat in which I asked her to spread the news to other family members that my phone was out of commission, my YEFM and I sat on the patio at Luckett's and drank lemonade and ate cake, soaking in the gorgeous view of the Gaspereau Valley on a breezy, fresh, sunny afternoon. We commented on how very lucky we felt to be enjoying such a luxurious treat.

Here, with brilliant serendipity, we ran into a friend of mine and I asked him if he could please send a message to a mutual friend of ours with whom I had arranged a beach play date for her youngster and my YEFM later that same day. I asked my chance-met friend to let her know that my phone was broken, but that we would be there! Who needs a smart phone? (Though I guess if my friends hadn't had theirs, that would have thrown a spanner in the works...)

Off to Blue Beach Fossil Museum to look at fossils and then whiz bang over to Kingsport Beach for our play date and supper at the Tides In canteen. We went for a long walk on the red muddy beach and saw more hermit crabs than I've ever seen at one time – dozens and dozens of them. Plus a live green crab and lots of little shrimpy-looking things.

My friend and I talked about feminism and work and life plans while the youngsters ran and splashed and smeared mud on themselves and one other. We all got into the excitement of spotting hermit crabs, picking them up and watching them curl themselves tight inside their shells with just the tips of their little, pink claws showing.

WE ALL GOT VERY MUDDY!

The kind young women working at the canteen gave us a couple of tubs of water to wash the worst of it off with. And then we all had ice cream. And said our farewells with hugs and smiles.

My YEFM and I had a scenic drive home as the sun was setting – particularly scenic because I wasn't 100% sure of my way back to our family's cottage from Kingsport and we ended up taking an inadvertent detour around Baxter's Harbour and Hall's Harbour. With sunset views of the Bay of Fundy, it was almost indecently pretty. Score another point for not having access to Google Maps, which would have pointed me to a shorter, more pragmatic and less picturesque route.

At the end of our drive, hot chocolate and a few hands of Snap! completed a very full day of which I have absolutely NO photographic evidence, but plenty of vivid memories.

Zero Consequences

And guess what? No clients were freaking out because they couldn't reach me. Family members were informed and relaxed. And I already had an auto-reply message set up to answer any incoming email.

I'll replace my phone later today. Realistically, I'm not prepared to live without one – but I'm tempted to "forget" it at home more often and have more fabulous, fully-present days like yesterday.

Menopause and Euphoria

No one ever told me it would be like this. 

I started experiencing peri-menopausal symptoms in November 2012. I missed a period and had a bunch of hot flashes. I asked my doctor and she said that I should take a pregnancy test and if I wasn't pregnant, I was probably going into menopause.

She was very nonchalant, which was fine by me. I don't want my doctor going all hysterical on me just because I'm entering an inevitable next stage of my life.

Anyway, I wasn't pregnant, so it seemed likely that I was entering into The Change. I was 41, which is a little early, but still considered "within the 'normal' age range".

The Mythology of the DREADED change

I had heard a lot of things about menopause before I arrived here. I think many women do. I have witnessed some other women's experiences with Hormone Replacement Therapy and menopause-related emotional meltdowns. I have seen menopause be a mostly empowering experience for some women and a mostly disempowering experience for others.

Certainly, there are generational factors at play. Many women have pioneered greater openness and empowerment for women coming after them. I remember having tea with my grandmother and a dear friend of hers about twenty years ago. My grandmother's friend fanned herself enthusiastically during a hot flash and said to me, "I'm doing this, Alex, so that when you get here, you can fan yourself without feeling embarrassed." I do, and I always think of her.

The Reality

There have been some harsh things about menopause for me. My periods, which were pretty easy when I was a young woman, have been getting progressively worse since I hit 35 or so. At this point, they are way too many days of agony and ibuprophen. And my PMS is bad. Some days I feel so cranky and crazy that I prefer not to be in contact with other human beings. When I am, I try to stay conscious and not get too mean. But it's not always easy.

The Secret Awesomeness

The first time it happened, I was taken by surprise.

I experienced a couple of days of absolute euphoria.

I mean, high-as-a-kite, grinning-like-a-hyena euphoria.

Everything felt awesome, delightful, blissful.

Being someone who hasn't experimented with drug use or long-distance running, I couldn't remember ever having felt like that before. But it's what I can imagine a really good high might feel like and it gives me some insight into why people might chase that experience.

When it first happened, I didn't know what was going on. I mean, I often feel happy, but not like that. I began to wonder if it might be a menopause thing.

I googled and found this blog post from Barbara Younger, along with some other accounts of menopausal euphoria. I also read the Wikipedia article about euphoria, and saw how heavily pathologized it is in Western medicine.

Personally, I look at it as a gift. It's been happening to me a couple of times a year for a couple of days at a time. While euphoric spells are not a good time to make major life decisions, they are an excellent time to let go and be. Enjoy the ride, some hormonal compensation for all of the crankiness and misery.

Euphoria and depression

I've been struggling with depression for quite a few months now and last week, just in the middle of wondering if I was ever going to stop feeling depressed, I hit a bout of euphoria. Suddenly, I felt wonderful. Nothing had changed in my external world, but my brain chemistry had suddenly shifted and everything felt different.

It had the effect of hitting the reset button, reminding me that so much of our experience is due to our brain state. I followed that euphoric spell with two days of listening to inspirational TED Talks, like this one. I could feel my neurons firing as I learned and digested new information about the world. I've begun to feel better. I'm smiling more often and feeling better about myself.

Knowing the relapsing-remitting nature of the depression I've experienced so far, I'm probably not out of the woods yet. However, I am feeling more connected to the present moment and more skeptical about my brain states. There is difficult and there is easy and there is everything in between. And really, nothing is very different from anything else, but for the meaning we grant it in the present moment.

Thanks, Menopause. I needed that.

Editor's note: technically, in many places where I wrote "menopause" above, I should have written "peri-menopause", but that just sounds too pedantic. I'm sure you knew what I meant.

Preparing for the Fourth Annual Pennybrook Festival

August 23, 2014 is just four and a half days away. That's the date of the Pennybrook Festival which is held on the land I share with my buddies Jude and Charlie.

 

Needless to say, we are busy. The field has been bush-hogged and raked, the stage is getting built, inconveniently-placed firewood is getting moved, an external tap has been put in so people will be able to get water and the driveway has been trimmed out for better visibility.  Neighbours, family and friends have been stopping by to lend a hand whenever they have spare time. 

I'm excited for this year's festival. Jude has programmed a great line up of music, as always, and the weather forecast looks decent. (We scoff at isolated showers). And this year there will be VIP seating on the deck of the Tiny Home (and a chance to look around inside my house if you'd like to).

Our potluck supper last year was such a great success that we are repeating it this year. And as far as breakfast goes, you can stop in at the West Dublin Market on the way here and get a snazzy gourmet breakfast from the guest brunch chefs there.

We're hoping lots of people will come join us this year. We've had shale put on the entire driveway this year, so it will be easier to get up the hill, but please drive slowly and watch for oncoming traffic. Bring yer kids and grandkids, bring your dogs, your neighbours, your friends, your folding chairs. We promise you lots of good music and fun times!

KIOS: Day 31

What a month it has been! A big thank you to Jamie and Shannon for running the Kickin' It Old Skool Blog-a-Thon! On this, the final day, Jamie and Shannon ask:

What would you like to celebrate about this month and Kickin' It Old Skool?

I'd like to celebrate showing up! I was very, very, VERY busy in the early part of December and I often had to miss days of KIOS and catch up by writing two or three posts together. And I didn't have enough time or energy to read or comment much on other KIOS participants' blogs. That was frustrating for me. But I kept at it, and kept remembering Rule #2: Have Fun! Once I started my vacation, I was able to participate more fully and it has been wonderful getting to know many of the talented writers and creative souls who took up this Blog-a-Thon challenge. 

I'd also like to celebrate my favourite December I can remember. I often struggle at this time of year, and this year I hardly struggled at all - I just accepted that there were limits to what I could do and cut myself a lot of slack. Participating in KIOS at a pace I could handle was a daily reminder of how to be kind to myself and also a welcome injection of fun and heart connections at a hectic time of year. 

I hope we all can do it again next year! 

Day 11: Kickin' It Old Skool Blog-a-Thon

I had a crazy day yesterday and was not feeling AT ALL weepy. I bought a tiny home yesterday. EEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeee! I feel like my life is taking a wonderful new direction and I'm very excited and a bit pre-occupied. I'll be posting more about the tiny home soon! In any case, this post didn't get written yesterday. But since I can't sleep, I'm catching up now!

Weepy Wednesdays

What makes me cry?

All kinds of things! I am a very wet and teary person.

I cry at the movies (and laugh loudly, too).
I cry at funerals (even the funerals of virtual strangers) and weddings (even though I don't believe in marriage).
I cry with joy and I cry with sorrow.
Sometimes, the pure and simple beauty of the world makes me cry.
I cried at that schmaltzy West Jet ad yesterday.

My stepdad scoffs: he says that my mom and I cry at the kittens in toilet paper commercials. But he always kindly passes the kleenex box after he says that.

Day 10: kickin' it old skool blog-a-thon

Show and Tell

This is me with a pot scrubber I crocheted out of cut-up onion bags. Doesn't it look like a bright orange sea urchin?

Day 9: Kickin' It Old Skool Blog-a-Thon

My favourite movies!

I thought you'd never ask!

I love movies!!!

Here are a few of the tops (I'll try to limit myself to six per category):

Comedy 

Miller's Crossing
The Royal Tennenbaums
Harold and Maude
Sean of the Dead
Moonstruck
Clerks

Drama

Topsy Turvy
Gosford Park
Apollo 13
Fight Club (or is that comedy? I can't decide)
Shawshank Redemption
Casablanca

Action

Raiders of the Lost Ark
A Knight's Tale
Master and Commander
Sherlock Holmes (first reboot)
Star Trek (first reboot)
X-men

Miscellaneous (Fantasy, sports, westerns, thrillers)

Willow
Bend it Like Beckham
Silverado
The Sixth Sense
The Matrix
Time Bandits

Oh, fun! Think I'll make popcorn and watch one tonight!

Day 8: Kickin' It Old Skool Blog-a-Thon

Where I blog?

At my messy, messy desk in my messy, messy room :)

Day 6: Kickin' It Old Skool Blog-a-Thon

I missed yesterday - it was a busy day. I hope to do a make-up post later today, but for now, I'm staying in the moment. - ed.

My First Blog Post!

I've only been running this blog since May, but my musician blog has been going since 2009 and I decided to post my first post from that blog:

http://alexsings.blogspot.ca/2009_10_01_archive.html

It was really fun to look back at that and see that what prompted me to start a blog in the first place was to share a joyful experience I had with my community and to shout out to all the great people who made it possible.

I'm still like that. I like to share my experiences of my community and my feelings when I blog - mostly joyful feelings, but sometimes more difficult ones. Blogs are great places to share and be in connection!

Day 4: Kickin' It Old Skool Blog-a-Thon

Weather Wednesday: What's the weather like where you live today?

"It is blowin' a gale out there" to quote a line from The Royal Tennenbaums, one of my favourite movies. I'm not sure if it's still raining. It poured last night, but I can't hear the rain lashing the roof and windows, so it has probably stopped. I can hear the wind though. It is HOWLING around the house. I'm warm and cozy by the roaring wood stove in the living room, feeling extremely safe and content.

Day 1: Kickin' it Old School Blog Challenge

Day 1 and the project is to post a selfie. That actually made my feel a little shy. So, here's a shy, bed-headed selfie:

To join in on the fun of the Kickin' it Old School Blog Challenge, go here :-)