End-of-Year Playlist

I have a thing for end-of-year music.

For me December, and particularly the handful of days between Christmas and New Years, have a soundtrack of their own.

This usually means an end-of-year playlist that I put on perma-repeat for the last few days of December. I tweak it and re-arrange it, balancing for just the right mixture of moods from the past year and the year to come.

I think this year's is particularly finger-snappy and divine.

I love Freewill Astrology

I've been reading Rob Breszny's Freewill Astrology for over 20 years. I used to read it weekly in NOW Magazine when I was going to university in Toronto. I often felt like Mr. Breszny might be following me around (in the kindest, most concerned and least creepy way imaginable). He seemed to know when I was heartbroken and when my heart was soaring.

On more than one occasion, I clipped out one of his horoscopes and pinned it up as a reminder. I still remember one I cut out many years ago, one that said, Burn the book of love you've been using, it's not smart enough for you.

For the past eight months, I've been typesetting a few pages of The Grapevine, including the horoscope page, syndicated from – you guessed it – Rob Breszny. This means that every two weeks, I get to see my horoscope early, which is a serious perk.

When I saw my horoscope for the week of December 25, I melted. Now that it's up on the Freewill Astrology web site, I feel that it's okay to talk about it.

It says that I will attract love and luck by being good next year –  "by expressing generosity, deepening [my] compassion, cultivating integrity, and working for justice and truth and beauty". Since this is exactly what I would like to do next year (and always), I feel very affirmed in my expectation that those actions will be rewarded in 2015.

Now, I'm not a huge horoscope believer. (I admit, I do see some similarities between people with particular sun signs and I don't think it's entirely a conincidence that the vast majority of my friends are Piscean and Aquarian, but really, it doesn't dictate my life or anything). What I do believe in is a weekly injection of optimism with a gentle (and often poetic or thought-provoking) spurring on to higher understanding and working for justice and truth and beauty.

To my mind, that is what Rob Breszny provides.

And I love it.

2014 Year in Review: In Better Perspective

It is very easy to lose one's sense of perspective

After I wrote yesterday's post, about planning for 2015, I realized just how down on 2014 I was feeling. I assigned it the word heartbreak, talked about mistakes, consequences, struggles.

My feelings about 2014 have been feelings of defeat, disappointment, depression, de-regulation, depletion, and just about every other "de" and "dis" word you can think of.

This is not the way I want it.

Yes, the year contained a lot of stress, sadness and disappointment. Yes, a lot of things didn't go the way I wanted them to. And yes, I wound up feeling pretty awful about myself, about my choices, about EVERYTHING!

And therein lies the problem. 

Because that is not the truth.

When I look back over the past year, I can see just as many things that went right as went wrong. Blessings were heaped on me and I accomplished, contributed to and enjoyed a great deal. 

So here's a timeline of awesome for 2014:

January

• Dear friends offered me a place to put my tiny home and have my wired office

February

• Many friends helped me try to prepare to move my tiny home (albeit unsuccessfully, but that was the weather's fault; sometimes things are simply outside of our control)
• Against all odds, the lovely fellow who created my tiny home succeeded in moving it to its new location

February onwards

• A close family member made an excellent recovery from a serious health crisis
• I took a bold step by enroling in an online course called Transform Your Relationship with Food; I began to finally make some breakthroughs in an area of my life where I have been stuck for many years

March

• I moved into my tiny home; my adorable and very beloved cat, Salinger, came to live with me

February and March

• I had lots of work, which was both enjoyable and helped me to financially recover from the work drought I experienced in the summer/fall of 2013

March–April

• A number of friends, on a number of occasions, helped me move my things from my rented house to my tiny house

April–October

• I helped a friend run the West Dublin Market for another summer; we continued to create something fun and beautiful in our community

April & September 

• I emerged from my performance sabbatical, briefly, twice, to play lovely shows with Shawna Caspi, one at Rose & Kettle Concert Sessions and one at the West Dublin Hall

May–August

• I helped friends run a concert series that culminated in the Pennybrook Festival in August; the festival was a hoot and all of the music that we brought to the community throughout the summer was excellent

July

• I met my Dad for a trip to New York City, he treated me to a couple of days of relaxing hotel living, two Broadway shows, gourmet shopping and some great meals; we had a good visit after not having seen each other for a couple of years
• I volunteered as a stage manager at the Harmony Bazaar Festival of Women and Song; I had never stage-managed before — it was a bit nutty, but fun

August

• I had much more work than I expected; I feel very grateful for ongoing opportunities both to earn money and grow my client base

September

• I think the weather was nice and I got to go to the beach frequently (September was kind of a write-off; I was pretty depressed and I don't remember much)
• I decided that I didn't have it in me to over-winter in my tiny home; a friend hooked me up with a sweet winter rental

October

• I realized I was depressed, told folks and received touching support from many people (both expected and wholly unexpected)
• I took steps to devise and implement a plan of self-care; I began to experience some improvements to my mood and health
• The generosity of a family member enabled me to meet my goal to decrease my indebtedness by 12.5%!

November

• I went to Happy Valley-Goose Bay as one of the visiting artists for the Labrador Creative Arts Festival; an intense, interesting and fun experience

December

• Almost over (I really don't like December; but it's ALMOST OVER—hooray!)

As we say in my family, "It's all in the way you hold your mouth." 

I would rather smile than scowl.

I'm glad I caught myself, became aware of my negativity and took another look at 2014. I find it very comforting that I can see so much good in a year that I found so difficult. I learned a LOT and hopefully those lessons will help me move onward and upward .

I offer up my thanks for the blessings of this past year.

And I look forward to 2015.

Here's a song for moving on with, A Plea from a Cat Named Virtue by The Weakerthans (Listen, all those bitter songs you sing, they're not helping anything. They won't make you strong...):

Design Your Year: 2015

I find December difficult. I call it Holiday Seasonal Affective Disorder (or H-SAD): a dislike of the short days, the mandatory gaiety (or at the very least the struggle not to harsh others' buzz) and the rampant consumerism. Most years, I find myself wishing I could go to bed on December 1st and wake up on the 31st, just in time to bid the old year, and especially December, a hearty farewell.

This year, December has been particularly difficult. The past year has been a doozy – lots of heartbreak, some serious illness in my family, the realization that I've made some big mistakes over the past couple of years and am now facing the consequences of those decisions, an ensuing depression, and my struggles to answer a call from within to take better care of myself, including doing some challenging work to transform my relationship with food and eating. 

Yes, 2014, you were a big, bad year. One for the books. 

There can be something sweet about closing the door on a difficult year

Well, bittersweet, at least. Which is to say, that I've been mostly feeling bitter. I definitely have a tendency toward the year-end review, and I have been looking back over this past year with a bad attitude, my disappointments and pain looming much larger than my accomplishments and blessings. The sweet part though, is that time marches on and the present becomes the past. Wounds begin to heal and hope begins to return.

I am a fan of new years in general – I like the feeling of a fresh start, the feeling of possibilities and potential. The chance to re-think and change things, to make better decisions for myself, to evolve and grow. 

I know it's just an artificial line in our invented sense of time. Every day is the beginning of another 365, but personally, I'm always happy to draw a line shortly after Christmas and start again.

A little help...!?

I felt like I needed a some extra mojo to shape a plan for some new and different experiences in 2015. When I read that Jamie Ridler was offering a planning workshop called "Design Your Year", I was  very interested. Jamie is a creativity coach in Toronto and I've done work with her in the past, including a dream board workshop, a glorious creativity-sparking dance party and participating in the Kickin' It Old Skool Blogathon (which did wonders for my H-SAD last year). 

I'm not a formal planner, usually preferring to fly by the seat of my pants, but I felt in my gut that I wanted to take Jamie's class. Unfortunately, though, it was offered at a time that didn't work for my schedule. I had another commitment; I thought I had to let Jamie's class go. But then, I discovered that Jamie was making a playback of the class available until January 31, 2015 and I could do it any time before then. As soon as I heard that, I signed up.

I did the class this past weekend...

What Design Your Year looked like for me.

It was excellent!

I feel like it brought me a ton of clarity about what I want and what I need for 2015. And it was fun: with sticky notes, journaling exercises, visual exercises and lots of guidance from Jamie about the many possibilities: different ideas about how to structure, grow and release the ways I think about planning.

I often have a "get 'er done" attitude toward the year – for example: "this year I'm going to record and release a CD", or "this year I'm going to play as many gigs as I possibly can and find out if I have a chance at becoming famous." Yes, I don't usually shy away from big goals and I would even say that in the past I have had a tendency toward grandiosity. 

The coming year is going to be very different.

My hopes for 2015

I have a number of gentler, more personal and internal goals for 2015. I still want to make and share creative work, so I'm excited about my 2015 52-Song Project (more about that over on my music blog). And I plan to revive my old practice of running "Creative Marathons" near the solstices and equinoxes next year.

My main focus, though, is going to be on self-care and self-respect. I want (and need) to improve my ability to make decisions that are gentle, kind and decent to myself. I want to deepen my yoga practice, do more work around food, eating and body image and make peace with the past couple of years, through forgiveness, understanding and humility. 

I want 2015 to be a gentle year, a simple year, a fun and delightful year. I want it to be a peaceful year, a relaxed year, an easy year, a straightforward year. 

Most of all, I want this year to be for me. I have an overall tendency to give away a lot of my time and energy. Usually, I have lots to spare, so it's not a problem. Sadly though, I have shared too many buckets from my well and received too little rain over the past couple of years. I feel depleted. The coming year needs to be about conservation and renewal.

My word for the year

Until I started writing this blog post, I had forgotten about the word I set as my intention for 2014. It was "right-size" as declared in a blog post a little less than 12 months ago. I did make some steps toward right-sizing with my tiny home and de-cluttering efforts, but 2014 had its own ideas and the word it dictated for the year was heartbreak.

There are lots of contenders for 2015's word. Humility. Self-Care. Respect. Authenticity. Courage. Acceptance. But in the final analysis, I believe my word for 2015 is:

***

Do you have a word in mind for the year ahead? I'd love if you shared your word (or any other thoughts) in the comments below. Happy New Year, everyone! I hope 2015 will be full of growth for you!

PS: If you're interested in taking Jamie's planning class, I highly recommend it! It's available until January 31, 2015. Here's the link again: "Design Your Year"

Order or Chaos? A Personal Investigation of Muppet Theory

Over the past month, I've had more than one — hr-hrm — amorous dream about Bert or Ernie. The subconscious mind is a funny, funny thing.

After the second one of these dreams, starring Ernie, I posted about it on Facebook. Because I thought it was odd, interesting and funny and I enjoy posting odd, interesting and funny things on Facebook.

My post prompted my friend Todd (of 500 Kindnesses fame) to comment "You have an internal struggle between your inner chaos muppet and order muppet." I thought this was a pretty astute analysis, and was even more impressed when he backed his theory up with this Slate article: Are you a chaos muppet or an order muppet?

I don't think there is much doubt that my personality is dominated by chaos muppet characteristics. I like jokes (Ernie), cookies (Cookie Monster), music (Animal) and am a devoted feminist (Miss Piggy – or is she an order muppet? It's hard to tell, probably because she is both, as one of the few truly 3-dimensional muppet characters...).

If there were any doubt of my chaotic tendencies, one need only look at the way I live: 

My desk as I write this post – chaos abounds!

Yes, on the outside, chaos is definitely winning. However, I think Todd was quite right about the struggle between my INNER chaos and order muppets. It's not all so cut and dried.

I like orderly things, too. I relish sitting down to hours of digital typesetting – imposing order on messy documents — making columns of numbers line up or making translated sets of documents look comparable in very different writing systems, like Farsi, Arabic, Gujarati, Tamil, English. I love my desk work and can happily do it for hours. (Though I know being able to do it in my pyjamas is a big score for my chaos muppets).

Also on the orderly side, I long to de-clutter my life. Especially living in my tiny home this past summer, I saw how much unnecessary stuff is crowding my life. Paper, paper everywhere! Receipts to be recorded and filed for taxes, always done at the very last moment... I am getting tired of living eternally among lost and missing and unnecessary and unsorted things. I think my inner Bert is on the ascent. My Kermit, my Scooter, my Prairie Dawn.

I only hope that my chaos and order muppets will be able to find a sweet harmony — like Bert and Ernie at the end of this song:

Judgy! Judgy! Judgy!

I've been working on this blog post for a few weeks, trying to find just the right way to say what I would like to say about my experience of being judgmental.

But I've been having trouble getting it right. (Ironic, no?)

Then this afternoon, I saw a link to this story about the Non-Judgmental Ninja meme introduced by Wil Wheaton on his blog.

It looks like a lot of people can relate to being more judgmental (of themselves or others) than they'd like to be.

*****
Let me share my experience:
When I look long and hard at myself, I see that one of my biggest struggles in life is around judging other people — and myself.

I've been a judgy person for as long as I can remember.

As far as I can tell, this behaviour stems out of feeling unsafe.

When I'm in a situation that feels unsafe to me, I use judgment to insulate myself from my feelings of fear. I bring up a formula to judge someone who scares, threatens or triggers me and think "I'm not [insert scary, judged character trait here] and people who are [that way] are terrible people and I don't like them."

I've carried this practice like a shield that I could use whenever I felt threatened – as if, as long as I was able to judge other people, I would never have to be vulnerable myself.

I had a conversation with one of my friends a couple of months ago about judgment and about being more tolerant. And these words popped out of my mouth:

"You know, my judgy-ness is just as worthy of compassion as everyone else's issues are."

And I think that's true. (And that is part of what is so lovely about the Non-judgmental Ninja meme.) My judgment and contempt come from a very damaged, ill-functioning place in my personality. They shield very vulnerable, fragile parts of me.

Judgy-ness defies compassion by seeming strong and aggressive, but it desperately need hugs and understanding – just like the various struggles of many other people do. When I engage in judgments, contempt and self-righteousness, it's a sure-fire sign that I don't feel safe – in fact, I am very probably downright terrified.

So, if you can, please forgive me (or any other judgy person in your life). Reassurance and hugs are  helpful – or maybe draw a little Non-Judgmental Ninja cartoon like this one:

December 6, 2014 — the 25th Anniversary of the Montreal Massacre

December 6, 1989

I was a first-year university student, living in residence at the University of Toronto when the news of the Montreal Massacre reached our house's common room. It felt very close to home. These were women very much like me who had enraged a murderous man by their decision and ability to go to university. He exorcised his wrath on them. He made them pay for his rage and frustration. Because he could. And because he felt entitled to do so.

It feels hard to believe that that was 25 years ago.

I'm sure many people are spending this anniversary assessing how much the world has changed and how much it hasn't. The past couple of years have seen an increasing dialogue about sexual violence against women. High-profile, tragic cases like those of Rehtaeh Parsons, Jyoti Singh Pandey, Steubenville, the Chibok schoolgirls abduction and the recent charges laid against Jian Ghomeshi have all brought greater attention to the issues of rape, sexual violence and inequities between men and women and girls and boys around the globe.

This is a good thing.

It's another step on our journey together.

We have a long way to go.

It isn't only the extremes of rape and sexual violence that we are fighting. It's a long enculturation of both men and women that dictates how we feel, what we do, what we say and how we treat one another.

Sexism on a continuum

To my eye, sexism exists on a continuum including (but not limited to): unexamined male privilege > sexist attitudes and jokes > insults > hate > non-lethal sexist violence > sexist policies > rape >  murder

I feel lucky that I have not directly experienced much on the violent end of the sexism spectrum. Most of the sexism I experience is on the merely emotionally demeaning end of the spectrum, ranging from cultural urgings to be skinny and spend a fortune on beauty products in order to enhance my sexual attractiveness for men to sexist jokes/comments to the folksy sexism of our local mayor (and the majority view he represents in my community):

 

 

 

 

 

Taken from the Summer 2014 issue of Municipal Matters,
the quarterly newsletter of the Municipality of the District of Lunenburg.
Nauseating to me, but clearly the editors didn't even bat an eye.
I'm sure it was considered "gallant" and "cute" rather
than patronising and sexist. And don't even get me started
on the topic of women wearing high heels in the first place.

I look in my own heart and see that I am still often afraid to stand up for my feminist principles. Me! I would like to think of myself as a fairly strong and brave person. But I know that often I am not. I  back down from things I want to say because I am afraid of being mocked, disliked, scorned, misunderstood (with the ever-present threats that sit further down the continuum: shunned? hit? raped? shot?)

It's a long journey for all of us

I'd like to think that it could be easy for everyone to simply decide to be motivated by kindness and respect for all other people, regardless of any perceived differences between us. To follow the golden rule. But I know it doesn't work like that. Humans' love of power and control is greater than our love of justice and peace. And there is so much water under the bridge that fresh starts feel impossible. Our attitudes are passed down from generation to generation and coloured by our own experiences.

I wish it were easier to shift my own thinking. I want to develop more courage to be myself and to make larger contributions. I've fought off some aspects of my enculturation, but others are more stubborn, harder to relinquish. I often take the easy route. I "go along to get along". And I often take for granted the way that my privileges of being white, university-educated and middle class insulate me from many of the harshest realities of sexism. I don't do everything I could to stand up for what I believe in or to try to make the world a better place. I get frustrated and discouraged. I have given up more times than I can count – telling myself that it doesn't matter or that it is futile.

On this anniversary, the memory of the 14 women shot at École Polytechnique calls me to do more and to do better.

I am a woman.

I believe all human beings are equal.

I am a feminist.

This post is dedicated to:

Geneviève Bergeron (born 1968), civil engineering student
Hélène Colgan (born 1966), mechanical engineering student
Nathalie Croteau (born 1966), mechanical engineering student
Barbara Daigneault (born 1967), mechanical engineering student
Anne-Marie Edward (born 1968), chemical engineering student
Maud Haviernick (born 1960), materials engineering student
Maryse Laganière (born 1964), budget clerk, finance department
Maryse Leclair (born 1966), materials engineering student
Anne-Marie Lemay (born 1967), mechanical engineering student
Sonia Pelletier (born 1961), mechanical engineering student
Michèle Richard (born 1968), materials engineering student
Annie St-Arneault (born 1966), mechanical engineering student
Annie Turcotte (born 1969), materials engineering student
Barbara Klucznik-Widajewicz (born 1958), nursing studen

Banjoy Break: Jim Payne and Fergus O'Byrne

A little #banjoy from fellow 2014 Labrador Creative Arts Festival visiting artists, Jim Payne and Fergus O'Bryne:

What an honour and pleasure it was to be a visiting artist at the same time as these two splendid musicians!