Depression Part 3: I'm BAAAAAAACK!

I was walking across the parking lot at the Lunenburg Farmer's Market this morning and I thought, "What a beautiful day!" It was grey and soft and warm for November. I smiled and I realized that I'm back.

I feel like myself again.

There's a smile on my face and I feel juicy. I have dug a little deeper in my well and struck a gushing spring. I have been buoyed up to the surface, laughing and soaking wet.

I feel so, so lucky.

I feel lucky, but it's not really luck. It's the support of friends and family. It's the karma of past generosity paying dividends. It's the benefits of creativity and making investments in my life that I can count on to be there for me when the chips are down. It's the result of taking a good, hard look at what I need and what I want and making an effort to change the way I was thinking about myself and the way I have been treating myself.

I had let myself get so run down.

I was thinking terrible things about myself: that I'm not good enough, that I'm not entitled to enjoy life, that life is a terrible thing, a burden, a misery of worries and grief and unsolvable problems. That no one is ever going to love me. I got sucked into a world view of pain and rejection and loneliness. It stirred up familiar pain, rejection and loneliness from my past.

I got stuck.

Well, I call bullsh*t on all that. Many people already do love me. And I love myself. I love my explorations in life, even the things that could be categorized as mistakes. I'm perfectly entitled to live my life the way I see fit. I don't have to do things to prove myself to anybody; I don't have to do things I don't want to do because of some imaginary shoulds — or shoulds that are placed on me by other people. I don't have to be a saint, angel or martyr. As Mary Oliver wrote in her wonderful and much referred to poem, Wild Geese:

"You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting."

These have been the crappiest three months (or perhaps 6, 9, 12, 18? months) that I can remember in my adult life. And they are over.

Now I know that I can get that lost and find my way back to myself again.


Taking better care of myself these past couple of weeks has made a big difference. I've been eating good food, most of the time, and not kicking myself when I've decided to eat stuff that is less good for me (i.e. not food). I haven't been drinking any alcohol. I've done yoga every single day (except this Monday, when I went to Nia class instead). Yoga feels amazing. I've been telling myself good things; reminding myself frequently. I plan to keep it up. I feel amazing.

Which means things are back to normal. Only better. I'm generally a pretty up person. I love my work, my life, my community. Now I feel like I have some more tools to look out for my typical pitfalls.

This episode has been a wake-up call to take better care of myself, to take my well-being more seriously. I am committed to better boundaries and a better attitude toward myself.

I'm sure there will still be dark and difficult days – but they will be wet and splashy ones, not dry and dusty ones, and for that, I am very, very grateful.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things. 
— Mary Oliver, Wild Geese