9 interesting things I've learned about forgiveness

I'm a bit of a grudge-holder.

This is not my favourite part of my personality. But I can see why and how it developed and I can try to have compassion for myself when I'm feeling bitter and resentful.

I used to hold on to and fuss over:

 Every. 
 Little. 
 Thing. 

I've gotten a lot better about that. I don't sweat the small stuff much anymore. Little things tend to roll off my back pretty quickly and easily.

And I'm getting better at expressing myself when I'm upset. I have been really pleased (and kind of surprised, actually) to have been met with a lot of kindness and understanding recently when I've had exchanges that have upset me that I needed to talk through with other people. Very often, hurts are unintentional and if both parties are willing, it can be an easy matter to sort things through and get back on a comfortable footing. In fact, working through a misunderstanding often brings us closer together with our friends, family members or lovers. Being able to work things out and salve hurt feelings builds trust.

However, when someone hurts me severely, and is not interested in trying to make amends or sorting things out, I usually feel like I'm falling apart. When that happens, anger and judgment are what I use as binding agents to hold myself together. It's a proven strategy for me. I've made it into my 40s without disintegrating into a chaotic mess — and frankly, I am grateful for the coping mechanisms that have enabled me to do that.

The unfortunate thing about that is that it can take me a long time to forgive major injuries.

So far, I have mostly succeeded (eventually) in forgiving people who've hurt me badly.

I feel like I have learned some interesting things about forgiveness over the years.

Here are my nine favourite things that I have learned about forgiveness

1. Forgiveness can take me a very long time.
   
2. I can work toward forgiveness, but I can't force it. It comes when it comes.
   
3. When it arrives, major forgiveness arrives all in a rush – an epiphany that feels a lot like a religious experience. Even if I've worked and worked and worked toward it, when it arrives, it feels like an instant transformation.
   (Incidentally, this is also my experience of deciding to let go of relationships. I'll be struggling, struggling, struggling trying to make something work that just isn't, and then I'll have what feels like a sudden realization that it is time to move on; that I simply need to remove myself from the situation.)
   
4. I believe I have experienced far greater benefits from letting go of my resentments than have the people I have forgiven.
   
5. It is easier for me to forgive someone who is making, has made, or has even attempted to make, amends.
   
6. Time and distance are essential components for me; it is really hard (perhaps impossible) for me to forgive someone who is in the process of hurting me in the present moment. I mean, I'm not Gandhi, or anything (although, from what I hear, Gandhi wasn't necessarily Gandhi either).
   
7. Forgiveness does not heal the wounds that have been inflicted.
   This is perhaps the most interesting thing about forgiveness in my mind. Even once I forgive the other, I still have to deal with the consequences of the wounds that were inflicted. Forgiveness for me is only the first step. On the plus side, forgiveness frees up a lot of energy to put toward working to heal those wounds. On the downside, the older I get, the more I understand (and believe) what my Nana always used to say about how the hurts we have experienced stay with us forever. She said to me many times: "There will always be a scar there." And I think she was right. At least for people with personalities like hers and mine. (She also advised against picking at those scars. I think she was right about that too).
   
8. Often, the people we feel have hurt us don't see the events that took place in the same way that we do.
   I don't think very many people set out to be the villain in someone else's life. And even when people are extremely harmful to others, it is often not in their best interest to admit to others or to themselves the harm that they've done. I find that most people have good stories/reasons/excuses for why they did what they did. They might even think the whole thing was the fault of the person who feels hurt! (And maybe part of it was. Owning up to one's own share in a dynamic can be an important piece in the forgiveness puzzle.)
   
9. Forgiving someone doesn't mean that you ever want to be in contact with them again.
   Some people are just not good for us. As a friend once wisely told me, "Hurt people hurt people." Often, if we keep certain people in our lives, they are just going to keep hurting us and keep needing to be forgiven. Now getting some practice with forgiveness can be a good thing, but there's a point where we are just beating our heads up against a brick wall. And, if we don't want ourselves to become the hurt people who hurt people, we need to protect ourselves from people who know how to hurt but who don't know how to heal or repair damaged relationships and broken hearts.

I may never become a master of forgiveness. Forgiveness might always come to me slowly and grudgingly.

But I have learned to trust that it usually comes.

Eventually.

In its own time.

And for that, I am very, very grateful.

Because forgiveness, when it finally arrives, unshackles my heart and sets me free to heal.