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Friday, April 10, 2015

Sexism #3: Protagonism

Is that even a word?

Yes, it is.

protagonism:  the state, character, or activity of a protagonist.

What does this have to do with sexism and feminism?

 

Where we ("Western culture") are coming from

One of the fundamental beliefs of any patriarchal culture is that men are protagonists and women are auxiliary. In other words, men have lives and women (if they're lucky) have men who have lives. This used to be far more pronounced in Western culture than it is today. There were powerful stereotypes of women keeping homes for men and providing them with a safe and comfortable base while the men went out into the world and did things. And then came home to women who were there for them.

It sounds like a pretty sweet deal for the men, in my opinion. Granted, I'm sure there are some who would say that it was a sweet deal for the women, too, that women were "taken care of" under this system . 

This way of arranging things paired responsibility with power. Men were responsible for the people in their family/community, therefore, they had the power and called the shots. Women were not responsible and they did not have the power – they did what they were told or expected to do.

 

A Culture in Transition

Surely this is not what it's like anymore, right? I mean, feminism won, didn't it? And we're all equal now?

And yet, these unequal perceptions around who is a protagonist and who is not linger. They are obvious in our media, our politics, in the prevalence of rape and sexual violence and also in the day-to-day exchanges of many average and ordinary intimate relationships.


My personal experience

I'm a woman who grew up in the era of Free to Be... You and Me. This means that while I saw sexism all around me, I was simultaneously being indoctrinated in the belief that I could be anything I wanted to be. That I was "just as good as any man". I was taught to think of myself as a protagonist. I did not go to university to get my M.r.s. as many girls still joked back in 1990 (and perhaps still joke even to this day?). I went to get my B.A., dammit and I did. 

In my life, relationships have come and gone, while my sense of agency has only continued to grow. I was having a conversation with a friend a couple of months ago and she asked me what I wouldn't give up to be in a relationship. I knew the answer right away: my autonomy and my authenticity. If I have to give up either of those things, it's not worth it. I don't mind making compromises, but if someone wants me to adopt a position in which I have less than 50% of the power and responsibility in the relationship or less that 100% of my power and responsibility for myself (my choices, my circumstances, my thoughts, feelings and behaviour) – I'd rather be alone. 

(My friend's delightful answer to the same question was: yoga – which is also in my top 10, for sure).

Seems straightforward, and yet...

On one hand, it seems strange to me that there are people don't appear to believe that every individual is the protagonist of their own life, regardless of their sex (or race, gender, sexuality, age, ability, etc.). I mean, really? Isn't it just obviously true that every person is living a life that is theirs and that is just as valid and meaningful to them as my life is to me and yours is to you

But on the other hand, I have experienced the insidiousness of this bias that one's right to be a protagonist is relative to one's position on the hierarchies of our culture. Granted, due to intersectionality, this can be a complicated thing to figure out between race, sex, class, sexuality, etc.

But as a white woman who has had intimate relationships with white men, I have been shocked on several occasions in the past to find myself in an intimate relationship with a man who seemed to feel entitled to tell me what I thought, how I felt or how he wanted me to live my life. In a couple of instances, before I realized what was happening, I experienced some erosion of my sense of autonomy and authenticity.
 
I must admit that until recently, I didn't grasp that this was an outcropping of sexism.  On the outside, those men seemed like they held pretty good feminist/egalitarian ideals. So, I thought it was just a circumstantial thing. Something about them and something about me had combined to result in a blurriness around my autonomy and authenticity. 

What I now realize is that that "something" is actually part of a systemic problem arising from a culture that raises people to believe that men are protagonists and women are – not.  Women are left with the role of accessory (trophy wife), object (hottie, MILF, slut, whore, etc.), help-mate, second-in-command or junior partner (I well remember hurling that last phrase at a long-time lover in the final days of our relationship). 

Women who resist the subordinate role laid out for them are often labelled as bitches, harridans, nags, harpies, ungenerous, selfish, narcissistic, difficult, ball-breakers, control freaks, pains-in-the-tuckus, domineering, and on and on. 

This does not feel right or fair to me.

Can we change this?

I can see that we have already come a long way – and that we have further still to go.

It seems to me that, as a culture and as individuals, we have some work to do to get away from the victimhood and resentment stirred up by the loss of undeserved entitlement. And there is also work to do in clearing the barriers that make it difficult for women to claim their role as protagonists in their own lives.

Fortunately, there are women and men who are interested in trying to change this facet of our culture.

To me, this kind of change feels like it happens in an interrelated spiral between individuals and the culture at large. For every individual who rethinks their position and makes an effort to change the way they behave in the world, the culture changes, while every change in the culture opens up a door for more people to rethink their position and further change the culture. 

This feels hopeful to me because I believe that individual change is always possible. It is a simple (though also demanding) process of self-examination, honesty, decision-making and practice. And while many people will not go out of their way to change an unfair system – especially if it benefits them – some will.

If you are one of these people and you're a man, you can ask yourself: "To what do I feel entitled? And why?" If your entitlement includes having women in your life organize or reorganize their lives around you and your needs, it's time to ask, "Is that fair? Why do I feel entitled to that? Can I change that about myself?" 

If you are one of these people and you're a women, you can ask yourself: "Do I feel like someone else is entitled to tell me how to live, how to think or how to feel?" If so, it's time to ask "Is that fair? Why don't I feel entitled to decide those things for myself? Can I change that about myself?"
 
I think we can spiral this thing up. Let's get to it!

*****

PS: I've recently read a couple of great blog posts on this topic that I would like to share with you.
Your Princess is in another castle
Ben Pobjie's Wonderful World Of Objects: How YOU Doin'?

And on the other side of the issue, this rant about the agony of lost entitlement might clarify things for you if you're not even sure what I'm talking about, or if you don't think this is an issue worthy of a blog post.

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