She'll make someone a wonderful wife someday...

This blog wasn't up and running in March when this particular news story happened, but I really wanted to comment on it. Better late than never...

Conservative Cabinet Minister Keith Ashfield said to a young woman that she would make a wonderful wife someday because she had baked him something delicious. 

I heard that phrase time and again when I was a kid. Every time I made a batch of cookies and one of the neighbours popped in, I'd hear it (that was 30 years ago, Minister Ashfield, just FYI).

I kind of rolled my eyes, but I also kind of liked the praise. I think it felt nice to be appreciated for being good at something when I was 12, 13, 14 and most things in life felt awkward and nasty.

But here's the kicker – years later, though still an excellent baker – it turns out I was a TERRIBLE wife. 

There was a lot of bru-ha-ha-ha stirred up by Ashfield's comment. People inferred that it meant that at least some Conservatives hold the view that women can only have traditional roles (I admit to being one of those people). It's also a heterosexist comment, which I'm sure has been pointed out and discussed.

But what I really wanted to see – and didn't – were people questioning that anyone's value in an intimate relationship rests in her (or his) good baking skills. Sure it might see you through a couple of years, "Mmmm, honey, this is good. Yum Yum!" but it's not going to be worth a damn when the chips are down.

Being a good partner rests in having good relationship skills: being able to express your feelings, listen, and have empathy for your partner's struggles. Being a good problem-solver can help and a strong and loving heart is a good foundation. It is also essential to know who you are, where you're coming from and what you want. I didn't have any of those things the first time I tried to be someone's long-term partner.

They didn't teach them in Fanny Farmer or the Good Housekeeping Cook Book. I didn't learn them as a kid growing up, either at home or at school.

I learned my relationship skills the hard way. By living, and failing, and spending years in therapy figuring things out. I wonder now if I had a false sense of security built up for me. "Honey, men don't care about nothin' but yer cookin'." "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." "You're going to make a man a good little wife someday." It's not true. You can get delicious cinnamon rolls at a bakery. What partners need from each other are honest, satisfying connections. And you can't just whip up a batch of those and pop them in the oven until they're gooey and delicious.