She'll make someone a wonderful wife someday...

This blog wasn't up and running in March when this particular news story happened, but I really wanted to comment on it. Better late than never...

Conservative Cabinet Minister Keith Ashfield said to a young woman that she would make a wonderful wife someday because she had baked him something delicious. 

I heard that phrase time and again when I was a kid. Every time I made a batch of cookies and one of the neighbours popped in, I'd hear it (that was 30 years ago, Minister Ashfield, just FYI).

I kind of rolled my eyes, but I also kind of liked the praise. I think it felt nice to be appreciated for being good at something when I was 12, 13, 14 and most things in life felt awkward and nasty.

But here's the kicker – years later, though still an excellent baker – it turns out I was a TERRIBLE wife. 

There was a lot of bru-ha-ha-ha stirred up by Ashfield's comment. People inferred that it meant that at least some Conservatives hold the view that women can only have traditional roles (I admit to being one of those people). It's also a heterosexist comment, which I'm sure has been pointed out and discussed.

But what I really wanted to see – and didn't – were people questioning that anyone's value in an intimate relationship rests in her (or his) good baking skills. Sure it might see you through a couple of years, "Mmmm, honey, this is good. Yum Yum!" but it's not going to be worth a damn when the chips are down.

Being a good partner rests in having good relationship skills: being able to express your feelings, listen, and have empathy for your partner's struggles. Being a good problem-solver can help and a strong and loving heart is a good foundation. It is also essential to know who you are, where you're coming from and what you want. I didn't have any of those things the first time I tried to be someone's long-term partner.

They didn't teach them in Fanny Farmer or the Good Housekeeping Cook Book. I didn't learn them as a kid growing up, either at home or at school.

I learned my relationship skills the hard way. By living, and failing, and spending years in therapy figuring things out. I wonder now if I had a false sense of security built up for me. "Honey, men don't care about nothin' but yer cookin'." "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." "You're going to make a man a good little wife someday." It's not true. You can get delicious cinnamon rolls at a bakery. What partners need from each other are honest, satisfying connections. And you can't just whip up a batch of those and pop them in the oven until they're gooey and delicious.

Pharis and Jason Romero – West Coast Canadian Banjoy

Last week I had the privilege of hearing Pharis and Jason Romero in concert at the West Dublin Hall, around the corner from my home.

Pharis and Jason live in Horsefly, BC, but they were on their way to perform in Gros Morne, Newfoundland and they stopped in to play for us because they are friends of my wonderful neighbour, Jude Pelley (a stunning musician in his own right, Jude forms the duo Pennybrook with Charlie Wilson).

Pennybrook opened the evening in fine style, playing a scant handful of songs, including a couple that Pharis wrote when she was with the band Outlaw Social. Then, Pharis and Jason took the stage for an amazing show with banjo, guitar and resonator guitar. Their voices are perfect for the bluegrass songs they sing and they harmonize seamlessly together. There is not much that I love more than hearing our old wooden hall ring with the talents of genius musicians. I was a very happy soul last Thursday night.

Here's a little sample of Pharis and Jason from YouTube:

I bought both their CDs and have been listening to them non-stop in the car. I think my favourite song is "It Just Suits Me".

Check 'em out. Oh, and they make banjos, too. My heroes.

The 24-Hour Non-Sectarian Church of Banjoy Manifesto

1. Banjo music makes everything better. Need to wash the dishes, scrub the tub, feed the cat, dance, make love? Say. No. More. You need BanJOY.

2. Kindness is a way of life. One of my Mom's friends has a saying: "Be kinder than necessary." That means to everyone. As much and as often as you possibly can.

3. Like Michael Franti says, Nobody Right, Nobody Wrong. "One man got a jet fighter, the other got a song. Nobody right, nobody wrong." (I think this is the hardest one for me, as I am prone to be a leeeeetle bit judgy. I struggle with it - and it's worth struggling with).

4. Love with all your heart. When you give your heart to someone, do your best to do so fully. Love them with all their flaws and imperfections, and do yourself the same favour. 

5. Tread lightly on this earth. Limit your environmental impact. Try to avoid airplanes and cars, maintain a compost pile (or worm composter), sh*t in a bucket, shop local, avoid single-use containers, reduce, reuse and recycle.

6. The love of money is the root of all evil. Exercise caution and restraint when longing for the next toy or gadget. Is it really going to make you happy? Aren't there independent artists or rainforests somewhere who need that money more? Be generous. Let money flow. Think about the things you can live without and live without them.

7. The impossibility of purity is not a reason not to try. Yes, I still drive my car to see my boyfriend who lives a couple of hours away. Whaddayagunnado, I'm in love with him (see #4) and we don't have public transit out here. It doesn't mean I'm not still trying to be an eco-warrior. Remember Harold and Maude: "Consistency is not really a human trait." Just do your best.

8. Embrace Life. Put your TV out for Heavy Pick-up and spend your time creating. Sing. Dance. Write. Talk. Paint. Draw. Sculpt. Cook. Invent. Build. Love.

9. Make a lot of noise. Let everyone know what you care about, and that you aren't cynical or defeated, because the world needs people who hope and care. To quote Shane Koyczan "You've got to care about the world, because it doesn't care about you." And, as Billy Bragg said on Q a couple of weeks ago, "The antidote of cynicism is activism." 

10. Take personal responsibility. Not for all the problems of the world, or anything, but wherever you can. There's a lot of talk about what is wrong with the world today. And a lot of theories about how to change it. There are also a lot of actions that people skip. Think the banking world is corrupt and awful? Switch to a credit union, or invest your money directly in a local business. Think the government is corrupt and awful? Run for office, if that's in your skillset. Or support someone good to run. Or, at least write a letter to them, telling them what you would prefer to see them to do. And don't forget to vote next time.

11. The world is full. If you don't have a desperate longing to have kids, don't have them. If you feel an intense calling to have kids, I'm not going to argue with that, but if you're just having kids because that's what people do, or because everybody's doing it, or because "Whoops!", please don't. Having children is optional. Support charities that distribute birth control and birth control education throughout the world. Believe me, all of our scary problems would be way less scary if there were only 4 billion of us on the planet, not 7 billion going on 12 billion.

12. We're all going to die. Yes, all of us. Even you. And even me. Try not to be in denial about death: other people's or your own. Live your life as a celebration and make a point of coming to terms with death before you have to.